Eurovision: A Personal History Of Music And Gay
Ahhh, Eurovision. My Guilty Secret. We all have Guilty Secrets; be they a life of crime, some socially taboo sexual kinks, or an enjoyment of the oeuvre of Sir Simon Cowell OBE. My Guilty Secret is Eurovision. It’s not even a Guilty Pleasure, which I think is a different thing. We tend not to keep Guilty Pleasures secret. We all watch X Factor/BGT knowing full well that they’re shite, yet we discuss them until our jaws hurt more than Jordan’s after a night out with the England squad. My Guilty Pleasure is Emma Watson, which is by no means a secret. If you know me, you know I have a massive thing for the school uniform clad brain box (now when I say ‘massive thing,’ I mean a crush. Not my cock, which coincidentally, is gargantuan).
My Guilty Secret is a love of Eurovision, and not a lot of people know just how much I love it. I’ve watched it every year, without fail, since 1992, where Michael Ball sang his unbelievably caucasian heart out to One Step at a Time. And I remember the following year getting SO ANGRY that Scouse pixie Sonia didn’t win with Better The Devil You Know (not the Kylie/Steps one neither). Every year, and I do mean every year after that my family and I have got the snacks in and crowded around the telly for three hours of audio/visual torture. This is why it’s a Guilty Secret and not a Guilty Pleasure, because, my friends, Eurovision is not always a pleasure. It can be a chore. A fucking chore, there’s no denying, but I love it.
And lo and behold, it’s Eurovision time yet again. This time last year, Blue went into battle. Yes, Blue. Britain’s best Boyband besides Take That, East 17, Another Level, 911, JLS, Busted, A1, Bros, Upside Down, Bad Boys Inc, 5ive, One True Voice, G4 and MN8. But they’re still better than Westlife and The Wanted, and I genuinely mean that. And One Direction.
(Actually, remember MN8 and their hit I Got a Little Somethin’ For Ya? No? Were WERE you during the mid 90s? Well here it is…http://www.muzu.tv/mn8/ive-got-a-little-something-for-you-music-video/528251 Just for shits and giggles.)
But yes. Blue didn’t win. And this year, we are changing tack, thus we’re sending in Engelbert Humperdink (I could spellcheck his name, but I have confidence in my own spleling), hoping to improve our standing after the failures over the last… How long? Pretty much since Britain joined the War On Terror. At least that’s what some people say. I think though, it may have something to do with our song choices. Here’s our effort from 2010. Brace yourselves, folks, because once you see this, you cannot un-see it. With possibly the worst video in history, here’s Josh with the so-ironic-it-had-to-be-a-joke-titled That Sounds Good to Me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InTgD_9DB3I
Well, I don’t you about YOU, but that sounds good to me. Amazingly, this is not our worst effort of recent times, No siree Bob. That honour goes to 2006’s Daz Sampson, who quickly became known as The Rapping Ian Huntley, for reasons that will become obvious. This has to be seen to be believed, and features the most cringe inducing entrance I’ve ever seen. Here’s Daz Sampson with Teenage Life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDk0iAKp4B4
Daz being the first Brit entry to ‘rap’ since these bad muthafuckers from 1995- Love City Groove with, oddly, The Love City Groove.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDODRlSJyoE
It’s not alllllllllll shit, mind. Well, from us it mostly is. But you’ll get the occasional oddity. Once in a while, and it is only ONCE in a while, you’ll get a song that’s genuinely good. Not good-for-Eurovision, but a straight up pretty darn good out of context song. Like this from Lordi in 2006, Hard Rock Hallelujah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh3hj9-J76Y
That actually won, being a rare case of the best song actually winning. And it beat Daz Sampson. Which was truly better? Only history can decide. Here’s another one from 2006 (by GOD that was a great year. Daz Sampson, Lordi, and now this!) from LT United, calledWe Are The Winners Of Eurovision. This did not come to pass, thanks to Lordi, but it was close. And I really like this, it’s actually pretty funny, the mannerisms and expressions are great (particularly the over accentuating guy with the goatee). I honestly think this is funny stuff, hope you like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-fAe7SwdqE
Here’s another that falls into the it’s-actually-pretty-good category. 2009’s winner, Alexander Rybak with the high kicking, screechy violin based number Fairytale.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiH4BFTELME
That guy actually has TALENT. And he’s not bad to look at either. Speaking of hotness, here’s the winner from a couple of years ago (that’s 2010 for anyone reading this in the future, which will be your present) Lena with Satellite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QSgNM9yNjo
Yes, I would plough that. And she won over Josh’s That Sounds Good To Me. Unreal. She’s pulled a first, to my memory anyway, as she played again the following year (that’s Saturday, the 14th of May, 2011 to you future readers. Look at you there, all shiney and chrome from the future and shit, thinking you’re all big because you know what’s happened in our future. Well you’re not the boss of me! Pricks) and defended her title with this pretty little ditty (she lost to Azerbaijan, by the way). Now, this is really good. It’s like Cheryl Cole doing the video to a KT Tunstall song. That maybe giving it a bit too much credit, but daaaaaaamn, she’s fine. And I really like the song. You’d never know it was a Eurovision song as it’s very credible. It has no business even calling itself a Eurovision song as it’s unlike anything I can remember being in the competition. Still, will she reach the international success of Jedward? Only time will tell (and you prickish Future Readers). So here is Lena again with Taken By a Stranger (Phwoar!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoRPuk756qU
That pretty much wraps up my Personal History of Eurovision, but before I go, I wanna share my two favourite songs in the competition ever. First, is Alf Poier from 2003 with this balls to the wall peculiar effort. Why do I love this so much? Is it the creepy cardboard animal cutouts? His dancing? The unexpected heavy metal at 1.45? The backing singers who look like they’ve never heard the song before and are just winging it? Or the fact that that it’s just so damn catchy? It must be a combination of alllllllll of it. Hope you like it as much as I. Here’s Alf Poier with Weil der Mensch Zählt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Qj5FVK5Cg
Christ I love that. And this, my all time favourite Eurovision song and performance. From the Ukraine in 2007, this features the most enjoyable performance I’ve ever had the pleasure to see in this competition. Watch how she spanks the ladies but not the guys. Dancing along to this is the gayest thing I’ve ever done, and I once had gay sex with a man who was very gay indeed. This features the catchy hook that does for the accordion what Careless Whisper did for the saxophone. I love it, you’ll love it, it’s Verka Serduchka with Danzing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hco0bR_mfzo&feature=fvwrel
Well, my work here is done. I hope you enjoy Eurovision tomorrow night and God speed Engelbert Humperdinck. God speed us, everyone.
